- Sensibility: Ridiculous character progressions, strange timelines, foolish robberies and plots, and bizarre interactions all make for some challenges suspending disbelief.
- Cinematography: Production design is a mess of serious construction and rag-tag island homesteading. The clothing is also wildly mismatched in period and is on the whole uninteresting. Visually bland particularly given the widespread presence of wildlife and color that could be present on an island. The cherry on top of this bad sundae is wildly inconsistent accent performances.
- Energy: Shockingly dull. The story wanders fairly aimlessly, taking too long to get anywhere. Somehow, even a scene where a tooth is extracted with pliers is uninteresting.
- Narrative: For a story with so much dramatic potential, the characters are communicated far too one-dimensionally to be interesting or meaningful. The back and forth between the groups of characters means no group gets enough attention even though the movie feels too long to begin with. By the end, the heavy hitting moments fall so flat because there's no foundation to make these moments meaningful.
- T-Points: The film received one, rather generous, bonus point for a set of metal dentures.
A $50m steaming pile of 'burro' crap. It's pretty rare to come out of a movie and struggle to find one redeeming quality of the film, especially one this star-studded.
Number of Watches: 1
